Each morning at 5am, my daytime counterpart comes in. we deal with basic small talk ( I like working with her), the we go over what we call “the turn over.” A “turn over” is simply going over in detail all the activity from my shift, so that she is aware of what happened. We do the same thing at 5 pm.

This morning, I sat there, looked at her, and said “I keep trying to come up with creative ways to say, nothing happened, but I got nothing. So here it is. Nothing happened.”

I have thought about this all day.

As it relates to faith, I’ve found, I have looked for creative ways to make Jesus cool, so others would come over to my way of thinking. Never could do it. Never could get people to by what I was selling.

The reason is simple. People in my life still died, my day still sucked, I still got mad, I still argued with my wife, I still dealt with unrealized expectations. Outside looking in, being a Jesus follower had not sheltered me from the pain and aggravation of life.

There seems to be an honesty missing about faith today. I mean really. So much attention has been given to alcohol, gay marriage, politics, denominations, the economy and immigration, it looks like to me, that we are throwing out a theory of faith rather than truth.

Faith is not shelter from the storm. How can we expect to be exempt from personal tragedy and effects from a fallen world? We can’t.

Being a Christ follower has not deferred me from being brought into situations not of my making nor my concern. Nor has surrendering to a life of service guaranteed me a life of economic ease and comfort.

I still feel empty from time to time. But I know I’m not. I still want to punch a guy for being rude. But I don’t. I still feel lonely, but I know I’m not alone. I still crave things from my past, but don’t satisfy that thirst. I still feel guilty for past actions, but know I’m forgiven.

Faith is not at all about looking for creative ways to tell the folks at he garden club, or the Sunday School class that things are great, and trying to get them to be like you.

Faith is dealing with the craziness and hurt of life, taking it on the chin, feeling like the walls are gonna cave in and KNOWING that this is not what defines me. It is He that has determined my worth. I lean on Him. Limp through the hard times. But it’s real. And it’s honest.

Untitled from Jeff Fields on Vimeo.

It’s funny to me, the things that get my attention.

Some things happened this past week that really got my attention. The events really did not have anything to do with me personally, other than they happened to people I love and care about. When they hurt, so do I. The biggest issue being lack of control. To realize that the outcome has absolutely nothing to do with any decision or action made by me, is well, difficult.

The funny thing is how it did affect me. Being mostly a selfish person, everything centers round me anyway. I found myself wanting to fix it. Explain it. Take away the hurt. Could not do it. Both situations have repercussions that must be dealt with. In once instance a friendship was lost. The things we say can hurt people. Perception is reality. And what people think is their reality.

So. because I had no control over these issues, I was reminded of who does.

Friendships are precious. Keeping one is hard work. We choose one over the other all the time. Posturing up to connect is a part of life. What you say matters. But so does forgiveness. We have control over one, but not the other.

Pain and frustration are part of everyday life. Without it, we woudln’t know about comfort. Without mistakes, we wouldn’t know about understanding.

I’d rather do without all the issues that tend feel like i’ve been punched in the gut. I’d really rather not deal with the pain that my loved ones go through.

Or, would I?

I feel alive. Not because of the pain, but in spite of it.

Neither of these situations will ever be the way it was before they happened. Certain innocence has been lost. Friends may never be restored.

But through it, I am reminded that I don’t have to go through it alone.

Gut punch and all.

This Sunday is my 29^th wedding anniversary. Holy crap!

Looking at my life with miss Sheri, time seems short. Not like its running out, but, it feels like a short time. Kids are grown, grandkids are growing, and my commitment to her is stronger than ever. When my wife hurts, i want to take that away, or deal with the person that is causing the pain. More times than not, it has been me. But make no mistake, I will protect my wife. 

I’ve heard people say they were committed to their marriage. Not me. I’m committed to miss Sheri. There’s a difference. It’s personal. She matters.

I’ve been checking into some different thoughts and ideals concerning faith lately. What I’m finding is kinda troubling. A lot of stuff I see and read seems to be more about theory. Theory has no face, no personality, no face, nothing to make it personal.

Picking and choosing what part of life to allow Jesus to become personally involved and calling it commitment kinda goes against our being instructed to love him with all we are. But loving him means we must acknowledge he  has a personality, with emotion, with attitude, with determination, and expectation.

Whether we give credence to the commitment Jesus has to his father, or whether we deny the hard sayings found in scripture, really doesn’t change the fact. Jesus has expectations from his children. The biggest of which is not to theologically determine what we obey or not, or decide based on personal agendas what is culturally acceptable. Clearly love matters. Therefore people matter. Justification of biblical truths, or lack thereof, that fail to emerge from the shadow of church fathers and  biblical tradition just so we can have a cool theory amounts to crap.

Certain trends emerge from time to time. Seems the big trend now is to scream love toward the fringe folks and gay community, but call down hell fire on those who would believe differently. The commitment we are expected to give to Christ has no caution tape placed around it. We don’t get love, and determine who not to love.

We still, after all these years, after all the death in the name of commitment, fail to understand the diversity that is available to the church. So, we call unto ourselves those like us, those who would think like us, act like us, enjoy the same freedoms as us. All the while casting knocking over the delicate things in the room with the log that protrudes from our eye.

Christ call us to his life, not our life with a Jesus twist. We are exchanging our life for his, his ways, his loves, his passions, his purpose. When we make this choice, or when we are chosen, we don’t pick and choose like we try to pick and choose which “fruit of the Spirit” we display. They all come as a package. Doesn’t matter if you pray for patience or not, you need it, you are expected to show it.

It’s his life, not yours. You have been bought with a price. As you sit, grab your knee. Feel how it is bent. Remember that feeling. You will bow before Jesus one day. Whether you like it really doesn’t matter. Whether it goes against your ideals of cultural relevance or not really doesn’t matter. It will happen.

After 29 years with my wife, some days can be down right messy. She looks at me some days and could really hurt me. Some days, she doesn’t want to be around me. But our relationship goes beyond temporary emotion of frustration and anger. Our love runs deep. I will do anything to protect her, make her safe, make her feel loved, hug her when she is hurting. Its during the tough times that growth takes place.

Don’t be so quick hurry through a trial or lose the pain of life. Allow Jesus to show his commitment to you. In turn, show your commitment to him by hanging tough. Allow him to show his love to you through people. In turn, be used by him to show love and mercy.

It’s expected.

I am pondering a few things. What follows is an overflow… or stagnant pools of leftover…not really sure

I’ve created Jesus in  my own image. In my mind, He tends to be an outlaw with anti governmental and anti religious attitudes. A true rebel against the reality of the norm, against the establishment. I have given him a lot of my own characteristics to justify my actions and my take on the sacred Text.

The disturbing part of this scenario, is the ease in which the creation has come to be.

In the past, i have been very accusatory towards those who would see Jesus different than the one created in my image. After all, the pale skinned blue eyed Jesus with a mullet was so…American. It was, obviously, my job and calling, to convince others to see my own personal Jesus, so different and so…correct.

Being edgy, for the sake of edgy(ness) has lost its luster. I can no longer sustain a viewpoint simply for the sake of being different. I officially resign as president wanna be of the “I want to make Jesus cool because I have been pissed off at the church” club. I’m weary of defending or even pointing out the different camps in which these view points exist. Trying to be the “alternative” simply brings division. Don’t want any part of that.

Listened to “beautiful” by Phil Wickham. That is where I want to live. The simplicity of a understanding of who He is, not who I, or anyone else makes him out to be.

Even in my sacrifice.

Some friends of mine are spending a week eating only rice and beans. The goal is to relate to people in m ost of the world who have little more to eat than rice and beans every day.

I found that I was proud to stand with my friends, if only for a few days. I was being a good son, sacrificing in the name of Jesus whom I have created. But the interesting side effect of pride in sacrifice, was not being able to relate to the hungry,  but wallowing in my own self preservation. So even as I tried, I cannot relate to the hungry who survive on rice and beans. Because I have the ability to choose. To complain. To add salt, pepper, and other spices. They do not. 

In my effort to impress Jesus with my sacrifice and my perspective…fail.

However, efforts of Jesus to remind me of my weakness and dependence on him even though I am not hungry…success.

I say all mof this simply because life on “The Fringe” does not require the tools or weapons I have armed myself with.

Seems as though all that is needed is the attitude of introduction.

Hey, people on “The Fringe”, meet Jesus. Not mine, the real one.

I thought about what Jesus one said…Matt 11:12
12 “And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force.”

I wonder sometimes if we spend to much time trying to make Jesus cool. I wonder sometimes if we spend to much time trying to make church a cool place. I wonder sometimes if we spend to much time setting up a buffet for people to choose from, and continuing this consumer mentality.

We certainly cannot beat people into the Kingdom of God. So could it be that it is our attitude that must be like that of a warrior? Maybe we are to fight for those we share with…Never giving in, never quitting, always looking to infiltrate the enemy camp, always willing to cross enemy line with the hope of being able to usher in life change for just one.

Fighting for what we know to be true. Not begging, not mamby pamby actions. But actions that show others we are there to rescue them from the “domain of darkness.”

My son was in Iraq. Separated from his wife and family for a cause. Whether or not you agree with the cause does not matter. He did. And he was willing to lay his life on the line because he did. As he once told me, “I am a Marine dad. That is what I do.”

Can we as believers be no less willing to lay our lives on the line?  How can we sit by and make our life change the end of the process? Our willingness to be a bit more willing to get involved in the lives of people, having the attitude of a gladiator…knowing that the battle is real, this should move us. Knowing that we are actually fighting for a life.

‘Gladiator’s Oath’ is inspired by the famous oath spoken by gladiators to their emperor before an event. The oath in Latin is “Ave Imperator, morituri te salutant” which means “Hail Emperor, those who are about to die salute you.”The battle is real. So is life change.

I guess I always knew it would be this way. Seemed a bit odd for me to find myself in places that just seemed to not fit. I learned so much, had the opportunity to go places that otherwise would not happen. Sat under great teachers, great men of faith. A strong foundation was given. Now it’s time.

Someone told me once that it would most likely be this way. Did not really understand the implications till now. We seldom do though.

Over the years, I’ve asked for opportunities that I really did not understand. Being ready and being able is often two different things. At least in my case.

I joined the Navy right out of high school. Not my first choice, but it was better than what was left. After boot camp and school for training, I was given my first duty assignment. Charleston, SC. I arrived pumped about going out to sea, seeing things I had never seen. What I was assigned to was a ship that had come in for a 18 month dry dock repair.

We chipped paint, rebuilt engines, added new stuff, stripped out the old and put in the new. Best as I can remember, I was in trouble a great deal of the time. Had to spend many weeks restricted to the ship. During those times of struggle, I learned all about that ship. Every nook and cranny. Every deck, every hiding place, even places I knew I had no place going.

After all the dry dock repairs, we were ready to head out for sea trials. It was time to make sure we were sea worthy. Inspectors were crawling all over the ship. One Captain grabs me by the arm, tells me that we have taken a missle hit right where I was standing, “you’re taking on water, you’ve lost 50 of your shipmates, fire is spreading! What are gonna do sailor?”

I stare at him as a freaked out 19 year old, and said “run?”. “Wrong answer! You are officially dead! Hit the deck! I laid there for 2 hours. Got a 10 min lecture about being prepared for any situation. and to help me remember,  I was put on mop duty for 2 days.

Being teathered brings a bit of security. You know where you are, who is around, where to go. Even when the storm comes, you realize that as long as the rope is tied, and is in at least half way decent shape, and though the ride may be bumpy, you are still teathered.

Headed out to the fringe. Not completely cut off from what has sustained me, nor turning my back on what i’ve learned or people I know. But, the reality is, some folks just won’t come in. No matter what is offered, no matter how attractive it is, some just want to stay out on the fringe.

It is the fringe where I am being sent. To live, and to love. People matter to God. All people.

May 1st, we will go live with Primal Faith. Blogging, videos, interviews, stories about and from people on the fringe. This has been 2 years in the making. Finally seems a bit trite, but appropriate. Not sure I am ready for all situations. But I am ready to meet folks. I am ready to fulfill what has been poured into me. We are already making some cool connections, unpacking some really cool vision, planning some really cool events.

Maybe, you’ll stop by and check in, stay in touch, offer up a prayer for what we hope to acomplish. It is pretty broad and overwhelming. But, so is faith.

Primal Faith, Life on the Fringe

Patience has never been a strong point in my life. Having a 2 year old in the house for a while helped on a certain level I guess. But waiting? That’s a different kind of patience.

We moved again. Back to Florida. We have another opportunity to do something that has eluded me for a couple years. There is genuine excitement to get started. We have most of the tools we need. All except for 1.

So I wait. The self examination that has accompanied this venture has been good. Learning about myself and desiring to change is not easy, but it is good. But I’m still waiting.

The steps are deliberate and thought out this time. The request for presence is honest, but at times, the waiting seems tedious. I feel helpless at times, but know that these are moments of preparation that won’t be returned.

Distractions seem plentiful. But we are determined to remain focused. Constant note taking, thinking, reading, writing. Even enjoying and contemplating.

What is the most difficult part of waiting? The wait.